The game looks like it's been steadily bumped up to HD resolution over the past decade or so, and had modern effects sparingly applied to its overly brown visuals. The whole thing is lousy with screen tearing and what can only be unintentional slowdown. NPCs even lack shadows. Things get worse in multiplayer, which almost looks like it runs on an even more basic engine than the single-player campaign -- and fittingly features about as basic a list of multiplayer modes as you could imagine. It's also about as lag-filled as they come, too, with all but the widest-spraying weapons rendered useless as clunky Dukes judder around the wholly unimpressive multiplayer maps. No amount of "Capturing the Babe" makes them any better. Yes, "Capture the Babe," a mode which tasks you with spanking a woman into submission from time to time as you carry her blocky form over your shoulder. It really is as painful as it sounds.

I’m sure that years of anticipation will spoil Duke Nukem Forever for some—there’s no getting around that at the end of that long road is only a good game and not an amazing one. It is what it is. He may not be at the top of his game, but even after all this time, Duke still knows how to party.