SpongeBob and Friends: Unite!
What is SQaF:U’s most important asset? Obviously, all its characters who are all officially licensed cartoon-heroes. Okay but is that a good thing? No, because if history has learned us one thing, it’s that such games are often crappy side-products with little or no entertainment value. Of course, there are exceptions but when you come to think of it: it is so easy to think of ten rather disappointing license-games (in no particular order):
•The Dukes Of Hazzard
•Dredd vs Death
•The Two Towers
•Jackie Chan Adventures
•Golden Eye: Rogye Agent
While I am having troubly already coming up with one decent title:•Stuart Little 3
During my career with Fragland I’ve enthusiastically tested about fifteen of these games and I’ve enjoyed it a lot. Sure, some games suffered under their technical flaws but Catwoman or Knight Rider were still plain old fun. For a few hours at least. However, THQ’s two latest titles (Tak 3 and SQaF:U) turns the dream into nightmare. I decided that the time averagely needed to read the body of the review cannot be longer than the time one will have fun actually playing the game. The time you need to read these two meta-sentences has to be subtracted from the total time.
Conclusion: Tak 3 was crappy but my god, THQ even managed to undermine their own level of crap with this Spongebob game. People who sunk so low that they will actually play this game can find it in the dumpster behind the railroad-station in Landen, Belgium. Yeah, I was too ashamed to throw this away in my own garbage bag. Of course I’ve had my dog piss on it first but the sick mind who’ll go for this game will have absolutely no problem with wiping the yellow drops of his tongue.
I’ve always battled against censorship but this game really should get a 133+ instead of 3+. At least those rating-hypocrites tried to protect infants. However, there really out to be a decent law against these kind of games … mine: “All games being published should pass through BillieTurf first. He will then judge completely subjectively whether or not the game is a danger to mankind and if so determine the penalty which can range from death by bullet to death in the gas-chamber.”
Case number one: THQ and SSaF:U. Verdict: THQ will be sentenced to death twenty-six times but because this is Belgian-law, that sentence is immediately converted to lifelong imprisonment. If THQ has something to say in their defense, they can’t. Case closed.
News narrator: “We all knew this was bound to happen and today it did. After several intense cases judge BillieTurf was declared mentally insane. However, any normal man would have given in almost instantly so it shows you that even a legend like BillieTurf is no match for the inhumane cruelties he encountered everyday on his job as a videogame-judge. Doctors say they have him constantly playing Black in the hope that all that beauty will someday help him to overcome his trauma. They also say that chances of such recovery are almost impossible but there is nothing else they can do.